an evening at crunch fitness, or the marina pick up scene

This morning I was conversing with Slanted Mirror, and I told her that if my life was a blog, it would be very boring. I would write about eating, sleeping, and perhaps TV or an issue of the New Yorker. For me, an exciting evening is a brand new issue of the New Yorker or the Economist.

Oh to have a life like Slanted Mirror. For those of you who don't know what a Slanted Mirror is, it is one of those Skinny mirrors that they put against the wall at Banana Republic or BCBG to sell more clothes. I often try things on at one of these stores and think it looks great. Then I return home and get ready to go out wearing something that makes me look like a fatty. I wish the world was a Slanted mirror!

True to form, this evening I decided to go to yoga at Crunch fitness. Crunch fitness is where everyone in the Marina and Russian Hill go to work out. No one really comes here to work out, they come here to work It. It is impossible to come here without getting picked up. Every man I know has slept with a trainer, an aerobics instructor, or a 49ers girl from Crunch. Ladies, if you are looking to get laid, become a trainer at Crunch fitness. You will get back on that saddle in no time!

Many of the characters on Slanted Mirrors are also regulars at Crunch. When they are not picking up women at BJ's they are picking up women at Crunch Fitness. Old BJ, whom I call John Senior, plays ping pong here. Whore face, whom I call Whore, plays everything, or everyone, else. A forty six year old I dated, whom I call Old Man, banged a twenty two year old trainer from Crunch. I would try to pick up dudes here but I realize I have slept with them all already. Um, what?

On a side note, Whore, is my ex bf! Whore is thirty eight, but I like to call him forty. I met him when I was twenty five. On my twenty ninth bday, instead of a three carat round brilliant, he handed me the apartment listings and told me to move out because I was too old for him. I like to tell people that I wasted my youth on him. Actually this story is not true, but it is funnier than the real one. Now Whore and I are great friends and we hang out at BJs often, that is unless Whore is hanging out with other chicks. Whore wants to move into the upstairs room at BJs, where Slanted sneaked up to last night. Slanted also wants to move there so perhaps they can split the rent.

Onto Crunch.
I wore a pink bra and bright red bootay pants. I am usually the rare woman who wears not cute clothes to the yoga. I always look around at the cute gals in their Lululemon pants that make their asses look hot. I do not go to yoga because I like yoga, I go because Madonna goes. Madonna is my idol and I want to be just like her. She is fifty, hot, and dating a twenty year old. I want to date a twenty year old.

I also go to the gym because Whore often calls me Muffin Top, that is another word for fat girl. In order to maintain my Skinny mirror figure I have to work out. In truth I am naturally skinny, but I also like to eat. I eat more than most men, which is probably why I have a muffin top. Every restaurant owner in the city knows my name. My world is like Cheers.

I often go out to eat, find I have no cash, and have to call the owner to come pay for me. Believe me this is no joke. Ask me about an evening at Perbacco where the Fine Dining Fairy swooped down and paid for me, one of my girls, and her boyfriend and then disappeared into thin air.

Food tangent.
My new current favorite restaurant is Okoze sushi which is a block away. The chef owner is a sweetheart and invited me to the fish market at 6 am one day. Nooo I did not sleep with him, he is just a nice guy. I met him at the restaurant at 6 am.

Here is a pic of some of the fish you will eat there. I am a very visually minded person so any blog of mine must include photos.




Back to our story.
I hate working out indoors, so I like it when yoga class is short. Crunch recently answered my prayers by shortening their yoga classes, but Crazy Enthusiastic Guruman likes to keep his classes long. Two hours of yoga will distract you so I had a lot of time to think and people watch.

Crunch is not a normal gym. It is more like an exhibitionist gym. The aerobics classes are on a giant floor where everyone can watch you while they lift and the showers are also see through so you can see people's silhouettes while they shower. This is how you can tell that those Lululemon pants are really doing their job.

Yoga here is more like a club. There are strobe lights and thumping DJ music is playing. Today I met a guy who looked like he was twelve and was wearing a pink shirt that said Virgin and had a heart on it. 'Is that your status message?' I asked him. 'We need to change that.' Then I realized his shirt actually said Virginia and I turned pink. Ok, this story is not true either but I did see the guy with this shirt.

After unsuccessfully picking no one up at Crunch, I decided to return home for some pizza. I love pizza! If you do not like pizza you are no friend of mine. The guys at Za know me and they let me make pizza for customers. My friend sent me two frozen Chicago deep dish pizzas for my bday that came in a mini refridgerator. I wanted to share them with a friend, but no one wanted any and I could not wait to eat them. I also opened a very expensive bottle of ZD Reserve Chardonnay from 1999. The reason I am drinking expensive wine is because I cannot afford cheap wine so I am tapping my collection from the days when bonuses were two hundred percent and my 401k was worth more than 401 dollars. Oh the irony of the recession.

Slanted Mirror told me that she once dated a man who did not drink. I could never do that because I like wine too much. My number one requirement for a boyfriend is that he is an alcoholic, which is why Whore and I get along so well. As they say in France, why drink water when you can drink wine?

As I was eating my pizza, a friend sent me the following email.

Friend:
apple you drunkie.
do you remember forcing me to go to the single stall bathroom with you???

Apple:
no i do not recall but i often make women go to the bathroom with me!

Friend:
I heard you were randomly kissing lots of girls.

Apple:
I like to kiss girls. Perhaps I am a lesbian.

It is not uncommon for an Apple to share a stall with a woman. Although it has been a while since I have kissed a girl. My friend Loreli met a girl in a bathroom and that girl went on to become my old roommate.

So Slanted Mirror. That is my evening. Very boring. Gym and then pizza and a glass of wine.

Today the New Yorker also arrived so it is pretty much a great day in the life of an Apple.